"You can't get out of your cabin?" he asked. "Is the door jammed?" "No" she said, "there is no door!" The receptionist assured her that there was a door. "NO" she exclaimed. "There is the bathroom door, the closet door and one other door but it has a "Do Not Disturb" sign on it!"

128. Sex is like playing bridge .  If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

127.  Teacher tells the class that according to archaeologists, for millions of years Neanderthal man was not fully erect.   She then asked if the class understood what she meant and little Johnny piped up "I'd say that was pretty easy to understand considering how ugly Neanderthal women were".

126.  Two guys go to a brothel.  The first guy goes in then comes out and says, "My wife is better."  The second guy goes in then comes out and says, "I agree, your wife IS better".

125.  A father ask his ten-year-old son if he knows about the  birds and the bees.  "I don't want to know " the child says, bursting into  tears. "Promise you won't tell me." Confused the father ask whats wrong.  "Oh dad", the boy sobs, " When I was six, I got the  'theres no Santa' speech. At seven i got the 'theres no Easter bunny' speech.  When I was eight, you hit me with 'there's no Tooth Fairy ' speech. If you  tell me grown-ups don't really f**k, I'll have nothing to live  for."

124.  How many skin divers does it take to circumcise a sperm whale?

Answer - Four (work it out for yourself)

123.  On New Year's Eve, a lady stood up at the local pub and said that it was time to get ready for the celebrations.  She then said that at the stroke of midnight, she wanted every man to be standing next to the person who made his life worth living.  Midnight then came and the barman was crushed to death.

122.  A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.  "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"  "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"   So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.  Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."  "What? Because he's cross-eyed?"  "No, because he's really heavy"

121.  A man walked into the doctors, he said "I keep hurting my arm in a particular place" and the doctor said "well don't go there any more"

120.  Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round."  The other one says "so are you, you fat bastard!"

119.  One Sunday morning a little girl from Dundalk in her Sunday best was running so she wouldn't be late for church. As she ran she kept praying, "Dear God, please don't let me be late to church. Please don't let me be late to church...." And, as she was running she tripped and fell. When she got back up she began praying again, "Please, God don't let me be late to church -- but don't fekin push me either!"

118.  Paddy's wife was having a shower and slipped on the bathroom floor.  Instead of slipping forwards or backwards, she slipped over, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.  She yelled out for her husband Paddy.   "Paddy! Paddy!" she yelled.  Paddy came running in, "Paddy, Oi've suctioned meself to the floor," she said.  "Ohhh bejasus!" Paddy said and tried to pull her up.  "You're just too heavy lass, Oi'll go across the road and get Murphy" (his mate).  They came back and they both tried to pull her up.  "Nope, Oi cannot do it," Murphy said, "Lets try Plan C."   "Plan C?" exclaimed Paddy, "What's dat den"?  "Oi'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we will break the tiles under her."   "All roight," Paddy said, "while your doing dat Oi'll stay here and play with her tits".  "Play with her tits?" Murphy said, "Why would you be wanting to do dat then"?  Paddy replied "Well Oi figure if Oi can get her wet enough we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive to replace!"

117.  A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this terrible problem with wind, I can't seem to stop farting. They never smell and are always silent but it's still a problem all the same. Believe it or not I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office."

The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady comes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts stink terribly!"

The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

116.  It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in.   "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.   "That's cool." Says Bobby.  Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in-movie.  Peggy Sue's father responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it."  Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says "What?"  "Yeah," says Peggy Sue's father, "Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"  Bobby's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear.  Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.  A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go.  Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, "Have a good evening kids," with a small wink for Bobby.  About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father:  "DAMMIT DADDY! - THE TWIST!!!  IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"

115.  After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.   "Mr. Wilson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."  "Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. Wilson replied. "I hung him up to dry."

114. A guy and a girl walk into a bar. They sit down and the girl goes to get a round of drinks. When she does the bar tender tells her she has nice legs. She tells the bartender if he keeps it up she's going to tell her boyfriend. So they finish their first round, and she goes up to get more. This time the bartender says she has nice tits. So she says one more time and I'm getting my boyfriend. They finish and she goes up for one more round, and the bartender says that he wants to fill her p**sy up with beer and drink it. She's pissed now and goes to get her boyfriend. She tells him that the bartender said I have nice legs. He stands up all pissed off. Then he said I have nice tits. So he starts rolling up his sleeves to go kick this guys ass. He said one more thing, what's that he asks, he said that he wanted to fill my p**sy up with beer and drink it. He sits down. "What are you doing" she asks and he replies "I'm not going to fight anyone that can drink that much beer."

113.  There's an Italian, Frenchman and a Scotsman.

The Italian says, "When I've a finished makina da love with my girlfriend I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floatsa 6 inches abovea da bed in ecstasy".

The Frenchman replies, "Zat is nothing. When ah 'ave finished making ze love with ze girlfriend ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen ah lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstacy".

The Scotsman says, "Thats nothing.  When I've finished shaggin' ma bird I get out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe ma willy on the curtain.  She hits the f**king roof!!!"

112.  After her fifth child, Sarah decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory cos her gammon was dangling a bit too low and looked like a ripped out fireplace.  Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that with five
children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there so it looked more like a cornish pastie rather than a chewed orange.  Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed.   "Who are these from?" she asked the nurse.  "They're very nice, but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them."  "Well" said the nurse, "The first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks."  "Ahhh, that's really nice" said Sarah.  "The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!"   "Brilliant!" said Sarah.  "And the third?" "That's from Eric in the burns unit" said the nurse. "He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears."

111. A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I want a man, I want a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I want a bike! I want a bike!"

110.  A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.  She stands next to the barber chair, eating a cake while her dad gets his haircut.  The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin."  "I know," she replies. "Dad says I'm gonna get tits too."

109.  Alex Ferguson walked into the dressing room before a game, looked over to his latest signing and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed maths, but we need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you
a maths question, and if you get it right, you can play." The player agreed, so Alex looked into his eyes intently and asked, "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?"

The player thought for a moment and then answered, "4?"  "Did you say 4?" Alex exclaimed, excited that he had got it right.  David Beckham then goes up to his manager and whispers in his ear... "Come on Mr Ferguson, give him another chance!"

108.  Just after Lorenna Bobbit brutally cut off her husband's penis, she jumped into her car and sped away. On her way down the highway, holding her husbands penis in her hand, she decided to throw it out the window.  She opened her window and tossed the penis as far as she could and sped away again.

Meanwhile, two Canadians driving down the same highway happened to cross right by Lorenna just as she tossed it out the window and the penis hit their windshield smack dab in the middle.

Stunned but still quiet the two Canadians drove on. About three miles down the road the one Canadian turned to the other and said, "Man, did you see the size of the dick on that mosquito?"

107.  This guy and his mate are playing a game of golf. On the thirteenth tee he is about to tee off when he sees this hearse and funeral entourage going pass. He stops his swing immediately and removes his hat and
solemnly holds it over his heart. When the procession has passed he continues with his game. Later, after the match, in the clubhouse his friend says to him "You know what you did there on the thirteenth it was very uncharacteristic but deeply touching, I'm proud of you" "Well" replies the man "I was married to the woman for 25 years.  It was the least I could do."

Rab Adens

106.  A young blonde was asked by a guy who had just made love to her: "Am I the first guy you ever made love to?"    "You might be," she replied, "Your face looks familar."

105.  Three virgin daughters:

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe."  Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good til the last drop."  Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson&Hedges."  Mom now knew to go straight to her husbands' cigarettes, and she read from the Benson&Hedges pack: "Extra Long King Size," She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky hand writing were
the words "British Airways," Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for BA. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."

Mom fainted ....

Teazy

104.  One day, a rabbit managed to break free from his cage in the laboratory where he had been born and raised. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.  "Wow, this is great!" he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.  Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"  "Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good.  "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked.   "Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them."  This he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"  "You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well."  The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do? " he asked.  One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly.  "There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field.  "They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it."  Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. "That was fantastic," he panted.  "So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked.  "I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't."  The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."  "I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette."

103.  Little Debbie's mother comes running into the room where her husband is reading the newspaper. "Do you have any idea what I just found as I was cleaning Debbie's room??" cries the mother.  "I've just found a collection of whips, chains, handcuffs and dirty magazines under her bed!"   "Well," sighs the father, "what do you suggest we do?  SPANK her!"

102.  An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car. As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?"  She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.  Up and down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross over the center line back there. Can I see your registration please?" She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.  She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out. This time he's stark naked and has an erection!  The old lady in the wheelchair looks up and says, "Oh no, not the Breathalyzer again!"

LCB

101.  One day, when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word "penis" in tiny letters. She turned to the class, scanned the boys and girls, looking for the guilty face. Finding not a guilty face in the bunch, she quickly erased the blackboard and began her class.

The next day, the teacher went into the classroom and noticed, in larger letters this time, the word "penis" on the blackboard.  Again, she looked around the classroom in vain for the culprit,
but found none. And so, the teacher erased the blackboard and proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, the teacher went into the classroom and found the same word written on the blackboard, each day, written larger than the previous day.

Finally, one day, the teacher walked into the classroom expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board. Instead, she found scrawled on the blackboard:

"The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"

100. This little old man was selling vacuum cleaners. He rang this door bell,and a very beautiful girl opened the door,wearing only a bathrobe.
He said, "Lady I would like to demonstrate this vacuum cleaner for you."
She said, "OK but first what do you think of this body?" She opened her robe and exposed her nude body.
"It's fine, but I still have to demonstrate this vacuum cleaner."
She took his hands and placed them on her breasts and told him to feel how soft and firm they were.
"They are nice but I still have to demonstrate this vacuum cleaner."
She then took his hand and placed it between her legs, rubbing his hands on her and said, "Isn't that so soft, warm, and moist?"
He said, "Yes, but I still want to demonstrate this vacuum cleaner."
She said, "Wait you had better come inside. I hear someone coming."
They went in side and she dropped her robe. Standing there nude she asked, "What do you think is the most outstanding part of my body?"
He said, "Well it has to be your ears."
She said, "What do you mean my ears?"
He said, "You know when you said to come in because you heard someone coming? Well... that was me!"

99.  A man walks up to the window at the Chemist counter. A woman appears from behind the counter and asks, "What can I do for you?" The man says," Is a Male Pharmacist working, because I have a personal problem and would be more comfortable talking to a man?" The woman replies, "My sister and I own the store and we have heard every possible ailment known to man." The man pauses for a moment then thinks ok, here goes. "My problem is that I have a permanent ten inch erection.  What can you give me for it?" The woman then says, "Let me go talk to my sister, I'll be right back." The woman then returns and says, "Sir, I talked with my sister and we can give you £10,000 in cash and half the store!"

98.  A husband and his beautiful wife are on a nudist beach when suddenly a wasp buzzes into the wife's business end. Naturally enough, she panics. The husband is also quite shaken but manages to put a coat on her, pull up his shorts and carries her to the car. Then he makes a mad dash to the doctor.

The doctor, after examining her, says that the wasp is too far in to remove with forceps so he says to the husband that he will have to try and entice it out by putting honey on his dick and withdrawing as soon as he feels the wasp.

And so the honey is smeared, but because of his wife's screaming and his frantic dash to the doctor and the general panic, he just can't rise to the occasion. So the doctor says he'll perform the deed if the husband and wife don't object.

Both agree, so the doctor quickly undresses, smears the honey on and instantly gets an erection. He then begins to plug the wife, only he doesn't stop and withdraw but continues with vigour.

The husband shouts, "What the hell's happening?"

The doctor replies, "Change of plan. I'm going to drown the little bastard!"

97.  After Michael Jackson's wife had their son, he asked the doctor how soon would they be able to have sex and the doctor said "you should wait until he's at least 10".

96.  One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off."

Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?"

Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

95.  John and his wife went to the Annual Fair every year. Each time, John would say, "I'd like to ride in that airoplane." And every year, his wife would say, "I know, John, but that plane ride costs £10, and £10 is £10." Then, finally one year, John and his wife attended the fair and John said, "I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that plane this year, I may never get another chance." "That plane ride costs £10, and £10 is £10," replied his wife. The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it'll cost you £10." John and his wife agree and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, but not a word is uttered by John or his wife. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They land and the pilot turns to John. "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." John replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when my wife fell out, but £10 is £10."

94.  The Sting!

An Englishman and a Scotsman were sitting next to each other on an aircraft. The Englishman leans over to the Scotsman and asks if he wants to play a fun game. The Scotsman just wants to sleep, so he politely declines, turns away and tries to sleep. The Englishman persists and explains that it is a really easy game. He says, ‘I ask a question and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me £5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you £5.’ Again, the Scotsman politely declines and tries to sleep. The Englishman, now somewhat agitated, says, ‘OK, if you don’t know the answer, you pay me £5, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you £50!’ Now, that got the Scotsman's attention, so he agrees to the game. The Englishman asks the first question. ‘What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?’ The Scotsman doesn’t say a word, but reaches for his wallet instead and hands the Englishman £5. Now it is the Scotsman's turn. ‘What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?’ The Englishman looks at him with a puzzled expression, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references, asks the audience, phones a friend etc ..., and after about half an hour, wakes up the Scotsman and hands him £50. The Scotsman politely takes the £50, turns away and tries to return to sleep. The Englishman, a little miffed, asks, ‘Well, what’s the answer to the question?’ Without a word, the Scotsman reaches into his wallet, hands £5 to the Englishman, turns away and returns to sleep.

93.  One summer, the company that Morris worked for transferred him to another city. Morris was told that he had to take a new physical with the company doctor to continue to be employed.
All the tests came out fine, but the doctor remarked that Morris had the smallest penis he'd ever seen.
"Do you have any difficulties with it being so small?" the doctorasked.
"Not at all" Morris said. "I've got a wife, three kids, and we have a great sex life. But I must admit I do sometimes have a problem finding it in the daytime."
"What about at night?" the doctor asked.
"Nights are no problem," Morris said, "because at night, there are two of us looking for it!"

92.  The Company boss, who is usually very conservative at work, had been seen for several days wearing an earring.   Eventually one of his staff plucks up the courage to ask him about it.   "How long have you been into earrings, sir?" he is asked and the boss replies "Ever since my wife found it in our bed!"

91.  A very shy HASHER goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with
you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean, £100?"

Tonguey

90.  CAN'T GET ERECT!
"Doctor", the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.
"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."
The next day the worried fellow returned and left his wife with the doctor.
"Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn around.   Good, now bend down and touch your toes.  Mmmmm  ....now lie down please.   Very good, now raise your right leg as far as you can ....and now your left leg   ....and now them both together ....Uh-huh, I see.  Ok, you may put your clothes back on."
The doctor then called in the husband and took him aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either!"

89.  What are the three words you really don't want to hear while you're making love?     "Darling, I'm home!"

88.  A blonde, a redhead and a brunette were in a swim meet.  They were to swim the race doing the breast stroke.  a few minutes after the race started here comes the redhead out in first place.  Then came the brunette just a second behind the redhead....
....about a hour later here comes the blonde totally out of breath and barely hanging on to life.  She whispers to the judges, "I think the others cheated!"    "Cheated?" says the Judges, "What makes you say that?"
"Well," said the blonde, "I think the others used their arms!"

GBH

87.  A little girl comes home and tells her daddy that the man down the street paid her 50 pence to climb a tree. Her dad responded, "Honey, he was just trying to look at your underwear". The next few days proceeded in the same manner until on the fifth day, he dad said, "Honey, I've been telling you all week, that man is just trying to look at your underwear". The girl responded, "I know daddy, that's why I fooled him today. I'm not wearing any".

86.  One evening after work several guys were going out to have a drink and they were trying to convince a married friend that he should come, too.
 "I can't," the man said, "my wife would kill me." After 15 minutes of persuasion by his friends he finally caves in and goes.  Later, looking at his watch, he realizes that it is midnight and he still has not gone home.  He immediately rushes home trying to figure a way out of the trouble he's in.
 Upon his arrival, he walks into the bedroom and sees his wife's legs sticking out of the covers. "I know!!!" he thinks to himself and he crawls in between his wife's legs under the covers and performs oral sex on her until she is *satisfied*.
 "That should do it,"  he thinks and he walks into the bathroom to wash his face.  He turns on the light and THERE IS HIS WIFE,... sitting on the toilet!!!
 "What are you doing in here?" he impatiently screams.
 "SSShhhhhh!  she says, "You'll wake your mother!!!!!"

85.  Q: What gets lighter as it bounces?  A: A Leper on a trampoline!

84.  An American businessman was in Japan. He hired a local hooker and was going at it all night with her. She kept screaming "Fujifoo, Fugifoo!!!", which the guy took to be pleasurable.

The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a hole-in-one. Wanting to impress the clients, he said "Fujifoo".

The Japanese clients looked confused and said "No, you got the right hole."

83.  A 'BIG' PROBLEM
 
A young man goes to his doctor with a personal problem. He  pulls down his pants and displays a rather long and large  penis.
 "So, what's the problem?" the doctor asks.
 "I can't get beyond a first date with a woman. A kiss, a  touch or even just a whiff of her perfume and wham! I get  this tent in my pants."
 The doctor thinks for a moment. "Well, drugs are really out  of the question, they could have some long term side effects.  Have you tried strapping it to your leg?"
 The young man agrees to try it. A couple of days pass and the doctor runs into his patient on the street.
 "So, how did things work out?"
 "Okay, at first," the young man admits sheepishly. "I took  this girl out on a first date, we had a great time, and with  it strapped to my leg my erection wasn't so obvious. When I  took her home, she leaned over to give me a goodnight kiss on  the front steps, giving me a peek down her blouse, and that's  when it happened."
 "What?"
 "That's when I kicked her right in the face!"

82.  The headmaster of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the toilets they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.
Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies toilets at 2pm. They
gathered at 2pm and found the headmaster and the school janitor waiting for them.
The headmaster explained that it was becoming a problem for the janitor to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it
was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean.
The janitor then demonstrated. He took a long-handled toilet brush, dipped it in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to scrub away the lipstick.
That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.

81. A man breaks down in the middle of Pennsylvania Dutch country on a cold January day. After a few minutes an Amish man in a horse- pulled buggy pulls up and asks if he needs a ride into town. The man accepts and climbs up into the buggy.
After a few miles, the Amish man stands up and leans forward. He lifts the horses tail, rubs its ass with his finger and then rubs all around his own mouth.
The passenger is both amazed and revolted at what he's just witnessed but decides to remain quiet.
This happens twice more during the trip to town. Each time the Amish man rubs his finger over the horse's sweaty ass and then rubs around his own mouth.
By the time they reach town, the guy's curiosity gets the better of him and he asks the Amish man to explain what's been going on.
"I have chapped lips", the Amish man replied.
"Oh I see" said the man, "Is that an old Amish remedy?"
"No, but it sure keeps you from licking your lips!!"

80. A man had a serious problem. He had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but found it to be occupied. A lady noticed that he was walking funny, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety
on his face. "Sir", she said, "the ladies restroom is unoccupied. You may use it if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.  He was about to pop, and would have promised anything, so he agreed to her terms.  The relief was pure joy, and as he sat there, savouring the feeling, he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Three white buttons were identified by the letters "WW", "WA", and "PP" and there was one red button labelled "ATR". Who would really know if he touched them?  He couldn't just sit there and resist a challenge like this, so he
pushed the "WW" button. Warm Water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.   Such a nice feeling came over him. The men's restroom didn't have nice things like this.  Anticipating even greater pleasure, he pressed the "WA" button: Warm Air replaced the warm water, wafted and swirled about, gently drying his underside. He knew what he was going to do when the warm air stopped, and without hesitation, he pressed the "PP" button. A large Powder Puff caressed his bottom, adding a fragrant scent of spring flowers to his unbelievable pleasure.  The ladies room was far more than a restroom; it was a place of tender loving pleasure! He could hardly wait for the powder puff to quit. When it did, he pushed what he knew was going to be the ultimate joy!   He knew he was in the hospital as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face.  "What happened? How did I get here? The last thing I remember, I was in the ladies restroom!"  "You pushed one too many buttons," replied the nurse, as her smirk expanded to a grin. "That last button marked 'ATR is an Automatic Tampax Remover.   You'll find your 'tackle' in a box under your bed.

LCB

79.  King Wenceslas rings up Pizza Hut on Christmas Eve.

"It's King Wenceslas here, I'd like a pizza delivered"  "Will that be the usual order sir?"   "Yes. Deep Pan, crisp and even"

Bandit

78.  Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, neither one of them could hardly see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they  just went on through.  The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself,  "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection. The light was red, and again they went right through.  This  time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention.
At the next intersection, sure enough, thelight was definitely red and they went right through it. She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us."
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh Shit! Am I driving?"

77.  The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

76.  A little boy sits on Santa's lap.  Santa says, "I bet I know what you want for Christmas,"and with his finger he taps the boys nose with
every letter he spells  "T-O-Y-S."
 The little boy thinks a second and says, "No, I have enough toys."
 Santa replies once again tapping the boys nose with every letter, "C-
A-N-D-Y."
 Again the little boy thinks a second and says, "No, I have all kinds
of candy."
 "Well, what would you like for Christmas?" Santa asks.
 The little boy replies, tapping Santa on the nose, "P-U-S-S-Y, and
don't tell me you don't have any, because I can smell it on your
finger!"

75.  Paddy took his old duck to the Vet, concerned because the duck wouldn't eat.   The Vet explained to Paddy that as ducks age their upper bills grow down over their lower bills and make it difficult for the animal to pick up it's food.  "What you need to do is gently file the upper bill down even with the lower bill. But you must be extra careful because the duck's nostrils are located in the upper bill and if you file down too far, when the duck takes a drink of water it'll drown."
Paddy goes about his business and about a week later the Vet runs into Paddy in the street.  "Well, how is that duck of yours?" the Doctor inquires.   "He's dead." declared the heartbroken man.
"I told you not to file his upper bill down too far! He took a drink of water and drowned didn't he?" insisted the Vet.
"Oh no." replied Paddy. "I think he was dead before I took him out of the vice."

74.  On the new Irish 'Who wants to be a millionaire' the presenter asks the contestants "Right, fastest fingers first, put these four films into the order in which they came out, earliest first - Rocky, Rocky III, Rocky II and Rocky IV"?

73.  Q. - Why don't blind people go skydiving?  A. - Because it scares the shit out of the dog!

Sid the Sexist

72.  Mary was in bed with Mick (who was not her husband) and things were heating up. All of a sudden, they heard a noise downstairs.
"Oh my God, your husband is home. What am I going to do?"
"Aw, just stay in bed with me. Paddy's probably so drunk, he ain't gonna notice you here with me."
The fear of getting caught trying to escape was more powerful than the thought of getting caught in bed with Mary, so he trusted her advice.
Sure enough, Mary's husband came crawling into bed and as he pulled the covers over him, he pulled the blankets, exposing six feet.
"Mary!" he yelled, "What the heck is going on? I see six feet at the end of the bed."
"Paddy, you're so drunk you can't count. If you don't believe me get out and count them again."
Paddy then got out of bed and re-counted, "One, two, three, four... ah yes, you're right dear!" and stumbled back into bed.

71.  ANNUAL CHECKUP
 
An 80-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. "I've never been better!" he replies. "I've got an 18-year-old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you
think about that?"
The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. "So he's in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appears in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the bear, and squeezes the handle. The bear drops dead in front of him, suffering from a bullet wound in his its chest."
 "That's impossible! Someone else must have shot that bear," the man said.
 "Exactly."

70.  Two friends, one very wealthy and the other quite poor, were
sitting in a bar late one night. They were talking about different things when the poor man asked the rich man,

"So what did you end up giving you wife for her birthday, the Mercedes or the diamond ring?"

"I got her the Mercedes *and* the diamond ring," says the rich man.

The poor man, a bit puzzled, asked, "Why the hell did you get her both?"

The rich man replied, "I got her both so if she doesn't like the ring, she can drive her new car back to the jeweler's to exchange it.  So... What did YOU buy for YOUR wife?"

The poor man says, "I bought her a pair of flip-flops and a dildo."

Obviously confused, the rich man asked why he chose those items.

The poor man replied, "Because if she doesn't like the flip-flops, she can go f**k herself!"

69.  One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans against the wall and, smiling, he says to her:

"Darling, would you give me a blowjob?"

Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"

Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

Him: "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"

Him (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!"

Her: "No, no,and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"

Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"

Her: "No, no. I just can't!"

Him: "I beg you ..."

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's younger sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair dishevelled, and in a sleepy voice she says: "Mom says to go ahead and give him a blowjob. Otherwise, I can do it.  Or if need be, she will come down herself and do it.  But, in any case tell him to stop leaning against the f----ing intercom!"

Len Gamblin (Barbados)

68. The plane crash.

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred today when a small 2-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery this afternoon in central Ireland.   Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect number to climb as digging continues into the night.

Warbler

67.  How did Pinochio discover he was made of wood?  His hand caught fire!

LCB

66.  A married couple were invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party but she got a terrible headache and told her husband to go alone.  He being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and here was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going.  So he took his costume and away he went.  The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain and as it  was still early, she decided to go the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him  She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a
little feel here and a little kiss there.  His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.  She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.  Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to the back seat of one of the cars and she had the best sex she had experienced in a long long time.  Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.  She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had.  He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.  "Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"  He replied, I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance.  When I got there, I met Pete Wilson, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening.  But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to...

Glenda Huckle

65.  A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded,

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."

"That dump? That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut.  The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28-year-old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel -- it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job, and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they
apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."

"Really?" asked the barber. "What'd he say?"

He said, "Where'd you get the shitty haircut?

64.  What Size Are You?
A man went into a chemists looking for condoms. Unfortunately he didn't know what size to get. The pharmacist asks him, 'Would you like to find what size you are, Sir?'
The guy agrees and the pharmacist leads him into a room with a board. The board has many differently-sized holes in it. The pharmacist leaves allowing the guy some privacy to match up his dick with the right hole.
Three hours have gone by and the pharmacist wonders what is taking so  long. So, he knocks on the door and sees if the guy is alright. The guy says, "Forget the condoms, I think I'll take the board."

Teasemaid

63.  A 75 year old woman went to the doctor for a check-up.
The doctor told her she needed more activity and recommended sex three times a week.
She said to the doctor, "Please, tell my husband."
The doctor goes out in the waiting room and tells the husband that his wife needs to have sex three times a week.
The 80 year old husband replies, "Which days?"
The doctor says, "How about Monday, Wednesday and Friday."
The husband says, "I can drive her here Monday and Wednesday, but on Fridays she'll have to take the bus."

62.  A blonde and brunette are travelling on a bus on holiday.  In front of them is a young chap with bad dandruff. The brunette turns to the blonde:
"I say, he needs some 'Head and Shoulders'" she says.  The blonde looks puzzled for a moment before replying "OK but, ..... how do you give shoulders??!!!!!!"

Peter Cox

61.  DIARY OF A VIAGRA HOUSEWIFE

Day 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate.  When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
 
Day 2
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me.    He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know.  Why  doesn't he tell me something  I don't know!  I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.
 
Day 3
This marriage is in trouble.  A woman has needs.  Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.
 
Day 4
A miracle has happened!  There's a new drug on  the market that will fix his problem.' It's called Viagra.  I told him that  if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night.  I think this will work.  I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than  his mood.

Day 5
What absolute bliss!!
 
Day 6
Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to  write while he's doing that.
 
Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head.  No  pun intended! Yesterday, atBurger King, the manager asked me if I'd like  a Whopper.  He thought they were talking about him. But,  have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.
 
Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend.   Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker.  I'm also getting a bit sore down there.
 
Day 9
No time to write.  He might catch me
 
Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding.  I mean, a girl  can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky!  What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over...
 
Day 11
I'm basically being screwed to death.  It's  like living with a Black and Decker drill.  I woke up this morning   hot-glued to the bed.  Even my armpits hurt.  He's a complete pig.
 
Day 12
I wish he was gay.  I've stopped wearing   make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me!  Even yawning has become dangerous ...
 
Day 13
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack!  It's like going to bed with a scud missile.  I can hardly walk and if  he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.
 
Day 14
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing  is working.  I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me.
 
Day 15
I think I'll have to kill him.  I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on.   The cat and dog won't go  near him and our friends don't come over any more.  Last night I told him to go and f**k himself and he did!
 
Day 16
The bastard has started to complain about  headaches.  I hope the bloody thing explodes.  I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.
 
Day 17
Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have  made any difference......Oh no!!! here he comes again.
 
Day 18
He's back on Prozac.  The lazy sod just sits there in front of the telly all day with that remote control in his hand and  expects me to do everything for him.  What absolute bliss!!

Peter Cox

60. It's hard being a Penis!

You've a head but no brains, an eye but youre blind, two of your neighbours are nuts, the other's an arse and your best mate is a c_nt!

LCB

59.  The day after a man lost his wife in a boating accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."

"Well, tell me!" the man said.

The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the Bay."

"Oh my god!" said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"

"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size crabs on her."

"If that's the good news than what's the great news?!" Mr. Wilkens demanded.

The policeman said, "We've put her back in until tomorrow morning."

58.  Murphy has own nail making business, and he wants it to be the best in the world. So he goes to a top advertising agency to have them create a marketing strategy. The agency assures him they can create a memorable advertising campaign in a week.

The following week Murphy goes back to the agency and is shown in to a  small theatre to view the finished commercial.

The lights go off and screen springs into life.

On the screen is a sunset over a desert. The camera pans around to a hill and zooms in to the top of the hill. At  the top of the hill is a wooden pole. The camera climbs up the pole to where a couple of feet are hanging. It then carries on up to a man's torso, up to his face, and there is Jesus' face. It then moves along an outstretched arm, to a hand pinned firmly to a stake by a gleaming nail. On the nail is proudly emblazoned:

"Murphy's Nails"  A caption appears on the screen

"Murphy's nails - they'll never let you down"

Murphy is outraged, "You'll get me shut down," he screams, "That's blasphemous! I'll give you a week to come up with a decent campaign or I'll go elsewhere. "

A week later Murphy goes back to the advertising agency and is shown into the theatre. "This had better be an improvement" he warns. The lights dim and the screen leaps into life.

On the screen is a Roman street with lots of people milling about. The camera then pans quickly to left to see Jesus running like hell being pursued by two Roman guards. The camera then zooms in on the two guards, to catch one saying to the other

"This wouldn't have happened if we'd used Murphy's nails. "

57.  A policeman is walking his beat when he finds a totally drunk man collapsed against a building, weeping uncontrollably and holding his car keys in his hands. He's moaning something about 'They took my car!'.

Seeing he is quite well dressed, the cop thinks he may have a real case of theft on his hands and proceeds to question the man.

"What seems to be the trouble sir?"

"My car, it was right here on the end of my key, and those bastards stole it! Please ossifer, get my Porsche back. My God, it was right on the end of my key! Where is it? They stole it and it was right here; right on my key!

"OK, OK, stand up, let's get some more information. (he stands the man up, and notices his penis is hanging out).

"Er . . excuse me sir, but your dick is hanging out, would you please put that thing away!"

The man looks down, sees his prick hanging there and screams,

"Oh my God! they stole my girlfriend too!"

56.  A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic
condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he
announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

"Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?"

"There are three colors", he replies, "Gold, Silver and
Bronze."

"What co lour are you going to wear tonight?", she asks
cheekily.

"Gold of course", says the man proudly.

"Why don't you wear Silver," answers his wife. "it would be nice
if you came second for a change!

55.  There's a guy from Ireland driving through Europe and an English guy driving in the opposite direction. In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions. The Irish fella manages to climb out of his car and survey the damages. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Jasus, I am really lucky to be alive!" Likewise, the Englishman scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, "I can't believe I survived this wreck!" The Englishman walks over to the Irishman and says, "Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of such rivals."
The Irishman thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I'm gonna see what else survived the wreck." So, the Irishman pops open his trunk and finds a full-unopened bottle of Paddy Powers Irish Whiskey. He says to the English fella, "I think this is another sign from God that we toast to our new found understanding and friendship."  The Englishman says, "You're damn right!" and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down the Irish Whiskey.   After putting away nearly half the bottle, the Englishman hands it back to the Irish fella and says, "Your turn!"  The Irish fella twists the cap back on the bottle and says, "Nahh, I think I'll wait for the cops to show up."

54.  Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber.

He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling Becky," he whispered.

"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest.  Shhh. don't talk."

He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice.
"I.......I have something I must confess to you."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky........
"Everything's all right, go to sleep."

"No, no.  I must die in peace, Becky.   I.....I slept with our neighbour's wife, your best friend and your sister!"

"I know,"  Becky whispered softly, "That's why I poisoned you."

53.  One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the street.   Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.
Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.
"Where to?" he stammered.
"Waterloo Station," answered the woman.
"OK," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?"
"Well ma'am, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Will *THIS* do?"
Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"

52.  Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."

... After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

Sox Maniac

51.  A deaf couple are getting married, and the man decides that they
should make sure from the start that they understand important
matters, so using sign language he explains to his bride:

"When - I - want - sex - with - you, - I - will - squeeze - your
- left - breast - once."

"When - I - do - NOT - want - sex - with - you, - I - will -
squeeze - your - right - breast - twice."

"When - you - want - sex - with - me, - you - should - pull - my
- penis - once."

"When - you - do - NOT - want - sex - with - me, - you - should
- pull - my - penis - one - hundered - and - fifty - five - times."

Clepto

50.  An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman were discussing their daughters.  The Englishman said "I went into my daughter's room the other day and I found a packet of cigerettes, I was amazed becauseI didn't know she smoked!"

Then the Scotsman said "I went into my daughter's room the other day and found a bottle of "whisky", I was amazed because I didn't know she drank!!"

Finally the Irishman said "I went into my daughter's room the other day and I found a packet of condoms, I was really amazed by this as I didn't know she had a willy!!!!"

Green Goblin

49.  Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house
exclaiming, "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button that's come
off of me fly? I can't button me pants."

"Oh Angus, I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs
and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it."

About 5 minutes later, there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit
of yelling and the sound of a body falling doon the stairs.

Walking back in the door with a blackened eye and a bloody nose
comes Angus. The little lady looks at him and says, "My god,
what happened to ya? Did you ask her like I told you?"

"Aye," says Angus. "I asked her to sew on the wee button, an she
did, everything was goin' fine but when she bent doon to bite
off the wee thread, Mr MacDonald walked in!"

48.  A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink
and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the
place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them,
then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the
pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and
swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey
just did?"

The guy says, "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the
bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats
everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball
and stuff."

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey
with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around
the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a
maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his
butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did
now?"

"Now what?" asks the patron.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it
out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still
eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue
ball he measures everything first!"

(Think about it, in fact ,just think it 'through' to the 'end')

Clepto

47.  A man goes to the confessional and says, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
"What is your sin, my child?" The Priest asks."Well," the man starts, "I used the 'F'-word today and I feel so terrible."
"Why don't you tell me what happened. What made you use such awful language?" asked the Priest.
"Well, I was out golfing and I hit this incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but the ball hit a phone line hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going about 100 yards."
"I'm a golfer myself my son" said the Priest "I understand what you were feeling. So this is when you swore?"
"No Father," said the man,
"You see, after that a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."
"And this is when you swore?" asked the Father again.
"No not yet. Just as the squirrel was running away, this eagle came down out of the sky and grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"And it was then that you swore?" asked the amazed Priest.
"No, not yet," replied the man, "Just as the eagle was flying away with the squirrel he flew towards a wooded area next to the green. And as he passed over it, the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear then, my son?" asked the now impatient Priest.
"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and then rolled through a sand trap and on to the green and stopped dead six inches from the hole!" told the man.
The priest sighed, "You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?!!

46. Q.  Why has Barbie never got pregnant?
      A. because Ken comes in a different box.

Terry Smith

45.  Three engineers and three managers are travelling by train to a conference. At the station, the three managers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a manager. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
 
They all board the train. The managers take their respective seats but all Three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.  Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.
 
He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
 
The managers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, they decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money.
 
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip.  To their astonishment, the engineers buy no tickets at all.
 
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed manager. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
 
When they board the train the three managers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.  Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the managers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "ticket please."

44.  A young couple decided to wed.  As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive.  Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.
The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage.   I love my fiancée, very much, but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my future wife will be put off by them."
"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed."  Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.
The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up her mom.   "Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful."  "Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning."  "No, you don't understand.  My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid  that my new husband will not want to sleep in the same room with me."  Her mother said simply, "Try this.  In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the bathroom and brush your teeth.  The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth.  Not a word," her mother affirmed. Well, she thought it was certainly
worth a try.  The loving couple were finally married in a beautiful ceremony.   Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later.   Shortly before dawn, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off.  Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed.   This, of course, woke his bride and without thinking, she immediately turns to face him and asks, "What on earth are you doing?"
"Oh, no!" he gasped in shock, "You've swallowed my sock!"

43.  NOTRE DAME:

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!" "No matter," said the man. "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."

( . . . Wait for it . . . )

(. . . It's worth it. . . )

He's a dead ringer for his brother.

Dirty Weekend

42.  Frank is in the local nightclub and a girl at the bar says "that's an unusual aftershave you have on, what's it called?" and Frank says "it's called 'come to me' so the girl takes a closer sniff and says "it doesn't smell like come to me".

41.  A family took their frail elderly mother to a nursing home. The next morning the nurses bathed her, fed her and sat her in a chair by the window, overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seemed OK but after a while she slowly started to tilt to the right in her chair. Two nurses rushed to catch her and straightened her up. Again she seemed OK but after a while she slowly started to tilt to the left. The same two nurses sprinted to assist her and put her upright - something that continued all morning. Later the family arrived to see how the old dear was adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here?" her son asked. "Are they treating you all right?" "It's pretty nice," she replied. "Apart from they wont let me fart."

40.  This Warning has been issued by West Yorkshire Police:

Clubbers in the North of England have recently taken to injecting ecstasy directly into their mouths using dental syringes.  This practise is extremely dangerous and should be avoided at all costs.  If you are approached by a Northerner offering you 'E by gum'  immediately report them to the police.

Tony Redshaw

39.  David and Victoria are sitting in front of the Television watching the Six O'Clock News. The headline feature is a man who is threatening to jump off the Clifton Suspension Bridge onto the busy A4 below. Posh turns to Beckham and says: "Dave, I bet you £5000 that he jumps." He replies: "£5000! Done." The pair shake on it and continue watching the commotion on the TV. Sure enough, the man jumps and hits the road below with a loud thud. Beckham takes £5000 out of his pocket and gives it to Posh. "I can't take that from you David" she says. "I was cheating. I saw the Five O'Clock News earlier so I knew what was going to happen. I can't accept that money." Beckham replies: "No Babe. The money is yours fair and square. I was cheating too. I saw the news at five, I just didn't think he would do it again!"

Portia

38.  A linguistic professor in Ontario was discussing the structure of the English language telling his class:  "In English, a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."  To which a Scottish voice piped up from the back: "Aye, right".

Nigel Parsons

37.  Renting A Video
Sally decides to do something wild that she hasn't done before, so she sets out to rent her first X-rated adult video. She goes to the video store, quickly selects an erotically titled video from the shelf, and then proceeds to pay the cashier. She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape into the VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen. So she calls the video store to complain. Sally said, "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape but static." The store clerk replied, "Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?" Sally replied, "It's called 'Head Cleaner'."

36.  A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: its W."

35.  Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dumb ass, it's me!"

Ifan

34. Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.  Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.  The brunette balances their chequebook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."  The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for  $599, no less.  After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."  The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left.  She realises that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable'."  The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?"  The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it slowly.

Willitfit

33.  There are two women in a pub ,one of whom owns a dog which she claims is a qualified blacksmith. The other woman naturally doesn't believe her and ask her to prove it.  So, the dog's owner holds a match under the dog's testicles and the dog makes a bolt for the door.

Green Goblin

32.  A bloke is sitting at a bar with a pint. He asks the bar man if he'll watch his pint while he goes to the toilet. Just after he leaves a very tall black girl, who has been sitting on the other side of the pub, gets up, runs towards the bar,leaps onto it ,squats over the pint an farts into it. She then goes back to her seat just as the man is returning from the loo. The man reaches for his pint as soon as he gets back to the bar but the barman jumps in and tells him not to drink it. "Why not?" he asks "Well" says the barman "you see that girl over there, the tall black one, well she just ran over here, jumped onto the bar, and farted in your pint" "She never "? "She did" "Right, I'm going to go and sort this out" - "Excuse me, you fart in my Whitbread?" "Sorry no, I'm Tessa Sanderson".

Green Goblin

31.  An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his system upset. Upon making several false-alarm trips to the toilet he decided the latest was another false-alarm and stayed put.  He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhoea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.  A drunk hasher was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms wildly, which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.  As the pissed hasher stood there staring down at the sheets, a security guard who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the hell was that all about?" Still staring down, the hasher replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost."

30.  The pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all of whom could not figure out how to cure him. Finally he was brought to an old physician, who stated that he could figure it out. After about an hour's examination he came out and told the cardinals that he knew what was wrong. He said that the bad news was that it was a rare disorder of the testicles. He said that the goods news was that all the pope had to do to be cured was to have sex. Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally they went to the pope with the doctor and explained the situation. After some thought, the pope stated, "I agree, but under four conditions." The cardinals were amazed, and there was quite an uproar. Suddenly a single voice was heard over the top of the noise: "And what are the four conditions?" The room stilled. There was a long pause...................<long pause>. The pope replied, "First the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see with whom she is having sex. "Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is having sex. "And third she must be dumb so that if somehow she figures out with who she is having sex, she can tell no one." After another long pause another voice asked, "And the fourth condition?" The pope replied, "Big tits!"

29.  Pirate walks into a bar.
Barman" Is that a wooden leg?"
'Yes' replies the pirate 'Lost it on the high seas to a spaniard!'
"And is that a hook on your wrist?"
'Yes lost it on the high seas to a spaniard!'
"And I suppose the patch on your eye was on the high seas also?"
'No in Portsmouth, lost to a seagull'
"A seagull?!! How did that put your eye out?!"
'Well, you see, It was the day I had the hook fitted!!!!'

27.  Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Woods turns to Wonder and says: "How is the singing career going?" Stevie Wonder replies: "Not too bad, the latest album has gone into the top 10 so all in all I think it's pretty good. By the way, how's the golf?" Woods replies: "Not too bad, I'm not winning as much as I used to, but I'm still making a bit of money. I've had some problems with my swing but I think I've got that right now." Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be all right." Tiger Woods says: "You play golf?" Stevie Wonder says: "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years." And Woods says: "But you're blind, how can you play golf if you're blind?" Wonder replies: "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddy moves to the grass farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice." "But how do you putt?", asks Woods "Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice." Woods asks: "What's your handicap? Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch Golfer."Woods is incredulous and he says to Stevie: "We've got to play a round sometime." Wonder replies: "Well, people don't take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole." Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when would you like to play?" Stevie says, "Pick a night."

26.  A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. She tells the class there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family. A smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says "Not an excuse. Just write with your other hand."

25.  A big brown bear goes into a bar and says to the barman "Give me a pint of ..... (10 seconds go by) ...... beer please" and the barman says "Why the big pause?"

24.  At the Senior Citizens' luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed they decided to go fishing together the next day.   The gentleman picked the lady up and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river and the gentleman asks the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?" All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right in the boat. When finished the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.  They fished for a while and then continued on down the river when soon they came upon another fork in the river.  He asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?" There she went again, stripped off and made wild passionate love to him again.  This really impressed the old gentleman so he asked her to go fishing again the next day. She said yes and so here they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in the river and the gentleman asks, "Well, do you want to go up or down?" The woman replied, "Down." A little puzzled, the gentleman drove the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asks the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?" She replied, "Up." This really confused the gentleman so he asks, "What's the deal? Every time yesterday that I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing."  She replied, "Well, yesterday I didn't have my hearing aid in and I thought you said 'f**k or drown'!"

23.  A bloke walks into a bar and orders a drink and while the barman pours his drink he has a look around. At the end of the bar next to him he sees a bowl of peanuts and as he goes towards them he hears whispering, apparently coming from the nuts. He puts his ear closer and hears them say "Oh that gear really suits you sir, and if you don't mind me saying so, your after shave smells delightful" He thinks "thats a bit strange" and then go's over to the cigarette machine. He puts his money in the slot and the machine bellows " F*!K OFF YOU W?*KER, YOU AINT GETTING NO F*!?ING CIGARETTES" at him. He wanders back to the bar with a puzzled face and says to the barman "Whats up with these peanuts and this cigarette machine of yours?" "Nothing", he replies "the peanuts are complimentary but I'm afraid the fag machine is out of order".

LCB

22.  Here's an Irish joke (and I will try to write it with an Irish accent!)

Tau Irishmen walk into a pet shawp. Right away they go over to the bird section. Pat says to Paddy "Dat's dem". The assistant comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll taake four of dem burds in dat cage dere" says Pat, "Put dem in a peeper bwaag".  The shop assistant does, and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop.  they get into pat's van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500 foot drop.  "Dis looks loike a grand place, eh?" says Pat.  "Oh, yeh, dis looks good" replies Paddy.  They flip a coin and Pat wins the toss.  "I guess I git to go furst, eh Paddy?" says Pat.  He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps of the cliff.  Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT!'  As paddy looks over the cliff, he shakes his head and says to himself "F*#k dat, dis budgie jumpin' is too feckin' dangerous for me!"

Clepto

21.  A young blonde female stock broker was bored with driving her Ford Fiesta. It lacked individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps an MG convertible.  That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful top of the range Mini Cooper convertible.  She fell in love with it's gorgeous red paintwork.  An empty cheque stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car.  Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong?  Then at that thought there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop.  She got out and lifted the bonnet and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody clue what was wrong.  Luckily she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the AA and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her.   "That's a lovely car," says the mechanic.  "What seems to be the matter?"  Well, it just conked out I'm afraid."  "Let me have look."  He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again.  "Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter ?"   "Simple really, just crap in the carburettor," he replied.  Looking shocked she asked, "Oh, OK. How many times a week do I have to do that?"

Green Goblin

20.  Subject: pee

95-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?"
George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the light goes off when I'm done." "Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!"  A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," He said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God.  Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes off?"  Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

Green Goblin

19.  Bloke walks into a bar and sits down next to this good-looking girl and starts looking at his watch. The girl notices this and asks him if his date is late.
"No", he replies, "I've just got this new state-of-the-art watch and I was just about to test it"
"What does it do?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me."
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers."
"Ha! Well it must be knackered then, 'cos I am!"
"Damn thing, must be an hour fast."

Sox Maniac

18.  A couple are sitting comfortably at home when the phone rings. The husband answers it and after listening for only a few moments he exclaims "This is not the Weather Station!" and slams the phone down. His wife then enquires as to who called and he replies "Oh, it was just some bloke who wanted to know if the coast was clear"

Bandit

17.  An 'Aeroplane Blond' is one who has dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'

Pearl 'n' Dean

16.  Tony Blair is being shown around a hospital. Towards the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of people with no obvious signs of injury.
 
He goes to greet the first patient and the chap replies:
"Fair fa' yur honest sonsie face, Great chieftain e' the puddin'.race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place, Painch, tripe, or thairm: Weel are ye wordy o' a grace As lang's my arm."

Tony, being somewhat confused grins and moves on to the next patient and greets him. He replies:

"Some hae meat, and canna eat, And some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat and we can eat, And sae the Lord be thankit."
 
The third starts rattling off as follows:
"Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty, Wi bickering brattle! I wad be laith to rin an chase thee, Wi murdering pattle!"
 
Tony can't take much more of this so he turns to the doctor accompanying him and asks "What kind of ward is this? Is it a mental ward?"

"No," replies the doctor, "It's the Burns Unit".

Nigel Parsons

15.  'Sperm Donor'

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.

Man: "What are you doing here today?"
Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me £5 for it."
Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me £25."

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.

Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"
Woman: (shaking her head & keeping her mouth tightly closed) "Unh unh."

Clepto

An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York with 2000 yen and walked out with £45.
The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen and was handed £39.
He asked the teller why he got less money than he had gotten the previous week.
The lady answers, "Fluctuations."
The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, he turned around and said "Fluc you Blitish too!"

Anon

13.  The new priest is nervous about hearing confession so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.  The old priest suggests "Cross your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand".  The new priest tries this.  The old priest is still not quite happy with the new priests manner so he then suggests "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on' and 'I understand, how do you feel about that?"   The new priest says those things.  The old priest then says "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying "No shit?!? What the f..k happened next?"

Ivor Bigin

12.  In a hotel room Jim Morrison is standing in one corner with the rest of his band.  In another corner are John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison and Ringo Starr. All are naked.  Marianne Faithfull walks in, drops to her knees in front of Jim Morrison and begins to play the pink oboe. Then starts on his guitarist, then moves on to his drummer and the keyboard player.  When she's finished she licks her lips and wanders over to John Lennon and begins to do the same to him. Suddenly there's a huge crash.... a Mini-Cooper smashes through the wall and Michael Caine jumps out.  He grabs her by the scruff of the neck and shouts...."Oi, you were only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off!"

Terry Smith

11.  A Dublin hasher, Paddy, goes into his local pub one evening only to be greeted by a torrent of laughter from his mates.   "What's going on?" he asks.  "Well" says his best friend "we walked past your place at about Ten o'clock last night.  Your bedroom curtains were open and the light was on.  We could see you and your missus going at it hammer and tongs".  "Well" replies Paddy "the jokes on you 'cos I was out at the hash all last night!"

Sunny Delight

10.  Q.  What's the difference between a young pregnant girl and a light bulb?

A.  You can unscrew a light bulb!

Sunny delight

9.  Question:  What did the Mexican fireman call his twin sons?  Answer:  Hose A and Hose B!!

Harold Lloyd

8.  Beck's walks out of the front door of his house to find Posh trying to break into their BMW with a coat hanger. "What's the problem?" he enquires. "I've locked the keys in the car, they're in the ignition" she explains. "Well you'd better hurry up" says Beck's, "Its starting to rain, and the tops down!!"

Nigel parsons

7.  Three rotweilers in the vets discussing what they were there for. First one says "I woke up in the middle of the night hearing someone moving around downstairs so I attacked him and ripped his arm off, when they put on the light it turned out to be my owner so I'm being put down".  Second one says "I woke up one morning with a very sore head and when the postman came up the path I just flipped and ripped off all his limbs and killed him so I am being put down too".  The third dog then said "After my master had gone to work this morning I was lying snoozing outside the bathroom door when I woke up to the sight of his wife naked and bending over the bath. I was feeling very randy so I couldn't help myself, I just jumped at her from behind, clinging on so she couldn't move and gave her a good rogering". "So, you are being put down too then?" the others asked. "No" he replied "I'm here to get my claws clipped!"

Roger from Barbados H3

6.  Have you heard they have developed a new drug by combining Viagra with valium? - If you don't get a f_ _k you don't give a f_ _k!

5.  Have you also heard that they have developed a Viagra Light ....for W_ _kers!

4.  Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson decide to embark on a weekend camping trip.  As they lie down for the night, the great detective says, "Watson, look up into the darkness and tell me what you see in the sky..."   "Why, I can see millions of stars," Watson eagerly replies.   "And what does that tell you?" Holmes enquires, with a long draw on his pipe.  "Many things, my dear Holmes.  "Astronomically, it tells me that  there are billions of galaxies in the cosmos.  Theologically, it tells me that God is truly great and that we are nothing but insignificant beings.   "Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a good chance of a beautiful day tomorrow.  But I doubt that any of these opinions match the power of your deduction.  What, pray, does it tell you?"  Holmes gives a sideways glance at his friend, and replies, "My dear Watson, somebody's nicked our f'ing tent."

3.   www.oj.com  - Q. Where would you find OJ Simpson's website on the Internet?  A. Slash, slash, backslash, escape.

2.  Jean goes round to visit her next door neighbour, Sally, where she notices some freshly-cut flowers lying on the sideboard.  "Are these from your husband?" she asks.  Sally nods, and puts the kettle on.  "I suppose you'll be lying flat on your back with your legs spread later tonight..." Jean says snidely.  "Oh good God, no," replies Sally.  "Ill just put them in a vase."

1.  A bloke walks into a bar with a crocodile.   Predictably, most of the patrons scarper and the barman complains.  But the owner of the croc says, "No worries, mate, watch this."  Picking up a cricket bat, he smashes it over the croc's head.  There's no reaction, other than a wag of the head.  The bloke then gets his thing out and puts it in the croc's mouth, but again the croc just wags its head.  Then a fellow punter asks if he can try it.   "Help yourself, mate," says the owner.  The punter proceeds to smash the cricket bat over the croc's head and then put his thing in its mouth.  The croc just gives its usual response.  Word spreads and several blokes try it.  After a while an old biddy walks up for a go.  "Can I just make one request